train to heaven

how many overnight trains will it take to sate my wander thirst? 

I have taken yet another last night from Tongliao to Beijing. 

As I (the night owl) was up after everyone else in my compartment (on the top squished bunk) with the lights off, flashlight propped on my chest, reading a book (Disgrace, by JM Coetzee) with the palpitating rhythm of train car chugging along, the light of my flashlight on my book beat (bum bum, bum bum, bum bum) to the beat of my heart. 

I had an in the moment amazement of being alive and of my fragile yet strong heart being so powerful it would move a flashlight with it's pump. I felt blazing with life, excitement for being in the unknown, traveling at midnight on a full moon to meet a stranger at the train station the  next morning to be taken to an orphanage. 

I looked over at Ned, who was asleep on the next bunk, and felt so independent and empowered because this life I am living now was created entirely by my thoughts and wishes. I could have never treated of something this great, as in this moment, feeling so thankful to be alive, and feeling like the creator of my own destiny. 

I was so stoked out that I read the entire novel (219 pages) that night. I couldn't sleep thinking about all the possibilities of what i could do, and who I could meet, and where my inspired and curious life would take me next. 

Now, the next afternoon Ned and I are relaxing in the guest house of the Agape House Foster home. There are 26 children who love play, learning, walks outside, hugs, and attention in general. This wonderful Christian couple from Ohio run the orphanage, and they also own a bakery where the Disabled teenagers bake bread and cakes and are given a trade to take out into the world. Ned is excited to teach one of the older boys Simon, who has one arm, to bake bread. There is a year old baby, that is about the size of a 4 month old, her name is Sophia, and I have been holding her all morning. 

I feel like my own life is solipsistic, narcissistic, and limiting compared to the way this Christian couple and their staff lives. They are all so compassionate, unhurried, live on faith, and don't sweat the small stuff, because I think they have too much small stuff to sweat. 

In a way, they make me want to become a missionary, or start an orphanage, and take in children, and as the Islamic proverb says, "Whoso makes all her cares a single care, God will spare her all her cares."

I'm looking forward to these next 9 days to see where emotionally and mentally it will take me.